There were these three guys. They had been
walking for 3 days and were very tired. They found a hotel, rented a
room and went to sleep. Then, this old guy comes in out of nowhere,
and says there is a magic pool just outside their hotel room. He
tells them "Ok, you must jump off the diving board, and yell
out what you wanna land in."

So the three guys go over to the pool. The
first guy, a vegetarian, yells out "Bananas!" and lands in
a pool of bananas. The second guy was money hungry and yelled out
"Money!" and lands in a pile of money. The third guy
jumps, when a bird shits on his head, and he yells "Oh
Shit!"

Three former leaders-from UK, USA and Nigeria went to hell. The first  leader asked the devil to allow him make a call to London to inquire about the country's welfare. He spent five minutes, Satan billed him $5M, the ex-USA leader also made a call and spent 8 minutes, the bill $8M. Then the ex-Nigerian leader called and spent 2hours. How much be my bill ? He asked Satan. $1 he replied. surprised, the former leader said but i stayed longer than them. Satan smiled saying; calling hell from hell is not expensive, it is a Local call.  

A baptism was to be conducted on a child whom the priest thought was an ugly child. the pastor pretended and was rushing the ceremony, thus said pastor Moses, the minister in charged, Name this child, the mother proudly said, Moses Goodluck, the pastor quickly said, excuse me, another name please, the father said thus says the lord.

A woman and her 
ten- year-old son were riding in a taxi in Mumbai. It was raining and 
all the prostitutes were standing under the awnings. Mom, said the boy, 
what are all those women doing? They' re waiting for their husbands to 
get off work,
she replied. The taxi driver turns around and says, 
Geez lady, why dont you tell him the truth? They are hookers, boy! They 
have sex with men for money. The little boys eyes get wide and he says, 
Is that true, Mom? His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers in 
the affirmative. After a few minutes, the kid asks, Mom, what happens to
the babies those women have? most of them become taxi drivers, she 
said.

Nigerian policeman arrested a man urinating at a place clearly marked "Do not urinate here, fine N500.

The offender gives the policeman a N1000 note,

The policeman turns around, fumbles a bit and says to the man, 'Oga now, urinate again, I don't have change...'

Major James (rtd) has been monitoring the movement of his only daughter recently. 

In
fact, he first picks her calls to confirm the identity of the caller 
before handing over the phone to her after thorough screening. But one 
faithful day, her boyfriend called and major picked the call as usual.

Major: Hello! may I know you?

Caller: Sorry I want to speak with Janet sir.

Major: I said who are you and what for?

Caller: (sensing the situation at hand said) Okay Sir, I am Kafui Dey from Who Wants To Be A Millionaire.
Janets friend is presently on the hot seat and needs her help to 
answer a question for 2 million Cedis. So the next voice you hear after 
mine is hers, the time starts now

Major: Oh no! I am very sorry!!! Janet! Janet!!
Please take the phone, your friend needs your help..

Caller: The question is; when are you coming tomorrow?
(a) morning
(b) afternoon
(c) evening
(d) night

Janet: C

Caller: How sure are u?

Janet: 100% sure.
 

A boy was teaching a girl mathematics... 

He kissed her, then kissed her again and said: "This is addition". 

Then the girl kissed him back and said: "This is subtraction". 

Then they kissed each other and said: "This is multiplication".

Suddenly
the girls father came and beat up the boy, threw him away and said: 
"kwasiakwa", to wit, foolish, this is division I dont want to see you 
here gain and that is long division.

Wife asked her husband to describe her.

Husband said, "you're A B C D E F G H I J K".

Wife asked, "what does that mean?"

The husband said," Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant,
Fairly Gorgeous and Hot."

She said, "oh, that's so lovely, what about I J K?"

He said, "I'm Just Kidding" ...

A Lady asked her boyfriend " how much do you love me?

Boy: I love you so much, can't measure.......

Girl: No just tell me....

Boy: Okay I am like a phone and you are my sim card, there's no me without you......

Girl: aaaaaawww that is so romantic .......

(Boy says 2 himself) see mumu !! What if I'm a china phone wit 3 sims?

A Ghanaian man, American man and Nigerian man
were lost in a forest and were captured by cannibals. The king of the 
cannibals told the three friends that they could live if... they pass a 
trial. 

The 1st step was to go deep into the forest and get 10 pieces
of the same kind of fruits. The three men went their separate ways to gather fruits.

... The Ghanaian man came back and said to the king, "I brought 10 apples".

The King explained the trial to him. 

King: You have to swallow the fruits without any expression on your face or you will be killed.

The first apple went in, but on the second one, he winced out in pain, so he was killed. 

The
American arrived and showed the king 10 berries. When the king 
explained the trial to him, he thought to himself that this should be
easy....1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8 and on the ninth berry, he burst out in laughter and was killed.

The Ghanaian and American met in heaven... The Ghanaian man asked, "why
did you laugh?, you almost got away with the trial"....then the American man
replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the Nigerian man coming with Watermelons!!!